Part 2
Tom woke early the next morning. Turning his head to the other
biobed, he saw that Chakotay was still unconscious. He sighed
quietly and slowly sat up.
Tom was surprised that he'd been able to sleep. He'd thought
that he couldn't; not without Chakotay in his arms. Apparently
he'd managed. {Maybe it's because I slept here in sickbay, be-
side him,} Tom thought.
The doctor came over to Chakotay to examine him. "Good
morning Mr. Paris," the doctor said, as he began a short series of
tests.
"Good morning Doc."
The doctor finished examining the Commander and turned to
Tom, studying him carefully. He frowned slightly and walked
over, aiming a tricorder at him.
"Doc, I'm fine. How is Chakotay?" Tom asked quietly.
"The Commander is recovering. He should regain consciousness
in another 24 hours. But you, Mr. Paris, are not fine. You need
rest. I'm going to call the Captain and tell her that you will not
be on duty today, and you are going back to your quarters to get
some sleep."
"Doc, I'm not going back to our quarters. If you want me to
sleep, fine, I'll try, but I'm staying here in sickbay. If I go back to
our quarters, I *know* I won't get *any* rest." Tom's voice was
quiet. "Everything in there reminds me of Chakotay."
The EMH almost sighed, but he was a hologram and holograms
didn't sigh. He knew how stubborn the Lieutenant could be at
times, and judging from the look on his face, this was one of
those times. The doctor ignored the fact that he was a hologram
and sighed.
"Very well, Lieutenant, I'll let you stay in sickbay but you must
lie back down and get some sleep."
"Can I say good morning to Chakotay first?" Tom asked the
doctor, his brilliant blue eyes slightly pleading.
The doctor nodded. "Five minutes, Mr. Paris."
"Thanks doc," Tom said with relief, and jumped off the bed and
went over to Chakotay. As he bent down and whispered in his
lover's ear, the EMH turned and moved away, giving Tom some
privacy.
Tom whispered quietly in Chakotay's ear until the doctor told
him to go to bed and get some rest. Then he laid down on the
biobed and slipped into a light trance that would allow him to
rest, knowing that he wouldn't be able to sleep a wink.
Lying in sickbay in a light trance, Tom found his thoughts
drifting back to the beginning, when he had first joined the Ma-
quis.
* * * * *
// Tom sat in a bar on the planet that was the Maquis' home base.
He'd been in the Maquis for nine days, flying Chakotay's ship,
the Crazy Horse. Chakotay was a good captain. He was a natural
leader and an excellent strategist. It was no wonder that he'd be-
come one of the Maquis leaders so soon after joining them. He
was very calm and centered, even during battle.
In the nine days Tom had been on the Crazy Horse, he had never
seen the Big Man lose his temper. He hadn't even heard him
raise his voice in anger. It was almost as if he never *got* angry.
And yet, Ro had told Tom that Chakotay *did* get angry at
times. It just didn't happen easily.
Tom really admired his Captain for those qualities. And for an-
other. Chakotay's very presence demanded respect, and he got it
just by stepping into a room.
Of course, it didn't hurt that the man was so damned gorgeous.
Tom constantly fought his growing attraction to his Captain. He
really wished that he had the courage to proposition him, but
two things stopped him. First off, the man was his captain, his
CO. One thing Tom's father had taught him was that you *don't*
proposition a CO. Secondly, Tom had never seen any indica-
tions that Chakotay was interested in men.
So Tom kept his feelings to himself.
But it was getting harder every day, and Tom had a sneaking
suspicion that it wasn't only desire he felt for his Captain. He
thought there might be other feelings involved.
Which was why he sat in the bar, nursing a beer and avoiding
being alone. Tom knew that if he were alone right now, he
would try and examine his feelings. If he was right and there
*were* other feelings involved he didn't want to know. Because
if he knew then he would have to leave, and he didn't want to
leave. He agreed wholeheartedly with the Maquis, and he
wanted to help to the best of his ability.
But how could he stay if he were in love with his Captain?
{Shit,} Tom thought. {There it is. I'm in love with Chakotay. No
use denying it anymore.}
Tom knew that he wouldn't be able to suppress his feelings
anymore, now that he'd realized what they were. He knew him-
self well enough to know that he wouldn't be able to hide it from
Chakotay for very long.
{Hmm, maybe I should talk to Ro. She might know if he's inter-
ested in men. And if he is, she'll know whether or not I have a
chance with him. Maybe it would be enough if I could be his
lover.}
Tom really hoped that Ro could help him. And he hoped like
hell that if he were Chakotay's lover, that it would be enough.
#It won't. Not for very long.# A soft feminine voice spoke in his
mind.
#Rhiannon, my sister. Haven't I told you that it is rude to intrude
in another's thoughts?# Tom asked, his mental 'voice' sounding
stern.
#Yes, you have. and you know that I usually don't. I couldn't
let you fool yourself, though. It *won't* be enough, you *know*
that. And isn't it better not having him at all if you can't have his
heart?#
Tom's mental 'voice' was sad. #Yeah. I suppose so.#
#I'm sorry, Ishaan, but you know I'm right,# she told him gently.
#I know.#
#All right. I won't disturb you anymore. I just couldn't let you lie
to yourself,# she said softly.
#You never disturb me, you know that. Give my love to our
family, Ok? Goodbye, Rhiannon, and thank you.# Tom let her
feel his soft smile.
#I will, and you're welcome. Bye.# With that Rhiannon ended
their mental conversation.
Tom sighed quietly and finished his beer, deciding that he
needed to be alone. He'd just put his glass down when a soft
voice sounded beside him.
"I've been looking for you, Paris. Ayala told me he'd seen you
go in here."
Tom slowly looked up to see the object of his desire standing by
his table. "Looks like you found me, Captain. What can I do for
you?" Tom lifted an eyebrow in query.
"I'd like to talk to you, Tom. In private," Chakotay added when
Tom waved to the chair on the other side of the table.
Tom nodded and rose to his feet, gesturing for the other man to
lead the way.
Tom and Chakotay left the bar and walked to where Chakotay
was staying. Upon entering the living room, they sat down op-
posite each other.
They remained silent for a moment. Tom, because he was won-
dering what Chakotay wanted to talk to him about. He didn't
know that Chakotay was trying to figure out exactly what to say
now that they were alone.
Tom looked at his Captain and was startled to notice that the
man seemed nervous. When Chakotay remained silent, Tom
spoke.
"What did you want to talk about, Captain?" he asked quietly.
Chakotay started and looked up. "Actually, it was more like I
wanted to tell you something. Now I'm not sure what to say. I
don't know how you'll react," he explained.
Tom searched the Big Man's face for a moment before answer-
ing.
"Just tell me. I won't react badly to anything you say, Captain."
Tom's voice was sincere. "I promise."
Chakotay sighed. Rising from the sofa, he went over to look out
the window, gathering his thoughts *and* his courage. He'd
faced Cardassians in battle and hadn't been half as scared as he
was now, faced with the prospect of telling Tom Paris that he
was in love with him. He had no idea how the young blond
would react. Tom had said he wouldn't react badly to whatever
Chakotay told him, and the Big Man suspected that he was tell-
ing the truth. That didn't mean, however, that Tom wouldn't re-
ject him, and that scared the living hell out of him.
Chakotay started when he felt Tom's hand on his shoulder. He'd
been so deep in thought that he hadn't heard the young man get
up and walk over to stand behind him. He turned to face him.
***
"Tell me, Chakotay. It can't be *that* bad. Unless you're going
to tell me that the Cardassians have defeated the Federation, in
which case you wouldn't bring me here to tell me in private."
Chakotay snorted in amusement. "No, I wouldn't. But this is
harder to say than I thought."
"Tell me," Tom repeated, his voice soft with concern.
Chakotay nodded and closed his eyes. After sighing deeply, he
opened them again and looked at Tom. "I have to tell you. I.
are you. I mean." Chakotay stammered before blurting out,
"I love you."
Tom's eyes widened in surprise and he gasped softly. "You love
me?" Breathless. Uncertain.
Chakotay nodded, still unsure how Tom would react.
Tom looked into Chakotay's dark eyes and saw the depth of his
feelings for him.
"You love me." Tom's voice was full of wonder. "Do you have
any idea how I've longed to hear you say that? I think I must've
fallen in love with you when we first met."
"Why didn't you say anything?" Chakotay asked softly.
"Because I didn't know if you were interested in men that way.
I've never seen any indications that you were, and I didn't real-
ize, at first that I'm in love with you. I just thought that I was at-
tracted to you. In fact, I had only just admitted it to myself when
you came to find me." He paused for a brief moment. "Let me
ask you something. You said that you didn't know how I would
react to this, so what made you tell me?"
"Well, I know that your mother was Darrbakhian, and I figured
that she'd raised you in the Darrbakhian ways. I know enough
about the Darrbakhians to know that you have same-sex mar-
riages, so I didn't think *that* would be a problem." He paused,
running a hand through his hair as he gathered his thoughts.
"What made me tell you? Hmm. Probably the fact that I found
myself thinking about you constantly when I'm not on duty, and
even sometimes even when I am," Chakotay told him.
Tom looked pleased. "Do you really think about me that much?"
Chakotay smiled at him. "Yeah, I do. I even dream about you."
"Tell me, what do I do in those dreams of yours?" Tom asked
curiously.
"I'd rather show you," Chakotay answered, then kissed him.//
* * * * *
Tom slowly came out of his meditative state.
It had been a mind-blowing kiss, he remembered. When they'd
finally broken apart, Chakotay had proceeded to show him
*exactly* what he did in those dreams.
That was the night they had become lovers.
Tom smiled softly at the memory, then sighed and opened his
eyes, wondering what had brought him out of his meditation. He
looked towards his spouse, who was still unconscious, then
spied Captain Janeway. She was talking to the doctor, and Tom
knew that it was their voices that had awakened him.
Just then Janeway turned her head towards him. Noticing that
Tom was awake, she finished her conversation with the EMH
and walked over to his biobed, anxious to speak with him. She
had a few questions for him.